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Kelvin Long Lam (born December 8, 1990) is La Salle's worst Varsity member who scored a 4099 at Regionals. He is soon to be La Salle's best varsity member, with the hopes of scoring higher than Will Dearden for states.


Many racist remarks against the writer's race are used, and the writer is okay with it. If you feel offended, please contact him, and he will remove it himself.


Lam was born in Anaheim, California during a vacation to Disneyland, mainly because he was projected to be born on Christmas. With the knowledge that they, themselves were Asian, and that therefore, Lam was Asian, Lam's parents decided to name him Kelvin after the mathematical physicist, William Thomson, 1st Baron Kelvin, mainly in hopes that being named after a math genius would enhance his math skills, already improved by him being born as an Asian. Also, by accident, Lam's parents accidentally gave him the middle name of Long because they thought his middle name was supposed to describe one of his body parts.

In 1995, Lam entered Kindergarten at St. Helena's School in Philadelphia at the age of 4. Although he did not make the age requirement (he needed to have been born before or during September of 1990), Lam's mathematical prowess was shown, as he showed signs of not only being able to add and subtract, but also of being able to recite his times tables, which left much of the administration of St. Helena's in complete shock, except for his assigned teacher, Mrs. Collier, who unlike the rest of the idiots, could tell that he was Asian.

In 2000, Lam transfered to St. Joseph's School in Cheltenham, due to his thoughts that St. Helena's sucked, violence that included two members of a gang that went to St. Helena's during a grade school lunch and fighting an 8th grader to supposedly prove a point, severely injuring him. Also, it was found that the Church pastor, Father Craig Brugger, physically abused an 11 year old BOY when he was 17.

In 2002, Lam transfered to Immaculate Conception School, after discovering their pastor, Father Bill Harrison, also abused a girl (age unknown), during his older years. Lam had more respect for him though, because the child in this situation was actually of the opposite sex.

In 2004, Lam, along with the Immaculate Conception School community, found out that former pastor, Father Francis J. Gallagher, also abused boys, this time, soliciting sex with an 18 and 20 year old mean. Lam was in 8th grade and found out late into his final grade school year, and therefore, decided not to give a damn. He graduated from Immaculate Conception and went to La Salle College High School.

Academic Decathlon[edit]

In 2007, Robert Russell (also known to several people as Wobby Wussell), coerced Lam into joining Academic Decathlon after seeing defeat the previous year only due to a lack of Varsity students. Lam did not study at all. At the first scrimmage of the year though, Lam received a boost on confidence after winning two medals during a 4 subject scrimmage, winning Mathematics with a 571 and Art with a 340. He soon lost this confidence after he found out that there were only 4 varsity students competing at the scrimmage due to many schools not attending due to PSATs, and that he placed 4th out of 4th in the other two subjects (Language+Literature and Music).

Lam did not much study at all during the year, and therefore, at regionals, scored a 3631, which counted because they then had only two varsity members. Lam's performance included scores of 571 for a gold medal in math to represent Asia, but also scores of 140 in Social Science and 280 in Speech. He continued this trend during States, scoring something of which isn't remembered by him at the time that this was written, but it was under 4000, because he still sucked. However, he still got gold in math with a 429 to make his continent proud.

In 2008, Lam suffered a major setback in the second scrimmage of the year, losing the varsity math gold medal to Brian Zhao of Methacton. However, he realized that Brian Zhao was Asian, and therefore, did not feel ashamed. He came back at states, scoring personal highs of 714 for mathematics to win back his gold medal, along with an overall 4099, finally breaking the 4000 barrier.

Troubling Incidents[edit]

During the impromptu, Lam selected the impromptu question "Saudi Arabia, (insert forgotten country here), and (insert another forgotten country here) have all outlawed the use of plastic bags. Should the U.S. follow this?" Lam, forgetting about the environment, repeated several times that "Plastic bags have the ability to choke little children." His impromptu scared the two listeners, who ironically were the niece and niece's fiance of Lam's coach, Wobby Wussell. Lam does not know of the scarring effects of the speech, but did receive a generous 9 out of 30 for it. Lam gives his deepest regrets to the Wussell family for the incident, and hopes that the scarring of his impromptu will not haunt them forever.


Medal Subject Score Meet Year
Gold Math 771 States 2007-2008
Gold Math 714 Regionals 2007-08
Gold Math 429 States 2006-07
Gold Math 571 Regionals 2006-07
Gold Math 571 Scrimmage 1 2006-07
Silver Math 571 Scrimmage 2 (Lost to Bryan Zhao-hole) 2007-08
Bronze Art (WTF!) 340 Scrimmage 1 2006-07